Questioner: Good morning my friend. I pray all is well. All good here, though I must admit I’ve been finding myself, once again, on the verge of spiritual despair. I’m still longing for that Truth to be a direct experience- not something read in some book.
Agnisattva: You are not looking for an experience, you are simply looking for happiness. To be happy, you most begin to be happy with yourself. To not hate yourself or to try to run away from yourself , but to make peace with yourself. Spiritual experience are meaningless cause that’s not what’s being searched for. If an experience happened and you were still miserable, you wouldn’t even care for it.
If you met God, if Krishna appeared before you and afterwards nothing changed within your heart, if self- hatred, anger, sadness, all remained what good was the experience? To be happy is to first make peace with oneself. To forgive oneself. To begin to re-get to know oneself.
Questioner: It has been, and is, painful. Meaning, I’ve been having a hard time accepting myself.
Agnisattva: Then that’s what needs to be dealt with and worked with. Forget about this spiritual Bull. All it has done is justify trying to run away and deny oneself. To be enlightened has been equated to mean “no longer me” An entire community has been created justifying hating themselves in the disguise of spirituality.